Complicated? Check.

It feels like for over centuries, I have been haunting for the happiness of my life. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I thought that I could smile and nod my way through it. Pretend like it would be all okay. I always had a plan. I wanted to change who I was. Create a life as someone new. Someone without the past, without the pain. Someone alive. But it’s not that easy. The bad things stay with you. They follow you. You can’t escape them… as much as you want to. All you can do is be ready for the good… so when it comes you can invite it in because you need it. I need it. And again I decide the next day that,

“Today will be different. It has to be. I will smile and it will be believable. My smile will say: I’m fine! Yes, I feel much better. I will no longer be the sad little girl. I will start fresh, be someone new. Its the only way I’ll make through it. Fly free and walk on sunshine.”

But then the sun came up and reality set in.

I lived up the day. Actually I survived the day somehow. And at last I convinced myself,

” That its okay to give up on happiness. Don’t take risks. Stick with the status quote, no drama. Now is just not the time. But my reasons aren’t reasons, they’re excuses. All I am doing is hiding from the truth. And the truth is that… I’m scared. I’m scared that if I let myself  be happy for even one moment then the world’s just gonna come crushing down. And I don’t know if I can survive that.

Happy You, Happy Me, Happy Blogging…!!!

Is This The End?

Is this really the end? I didn’t  know the world yet. Excuse me, do I know myself first? The answer is ” no”.

I still remember the day. Six months before, the doctors of my city stated that they have found the reason of my blood puke, unconsciousness, sickness and weakness . It was blood cancer. It was my father who collected this heartbreaking news from the doctor. He held out that deadly note to my mother which read that there are only six to seven months left for my survival. She had tears in her eyes. They were not for her, but for me. She cried that God has not granted me the life of a merry one. By the side of her stood my father. His silence was beyond the fear of death, for me. He didn’t cried, he didn’t reacted…. neither did he spoke anything. Because he was busy begging for my happiness from the one whom he had worshiped the  whole of his life. But nothing worked.

The time has came. The time for stop dreaming. The time for stop having ambition. The time to stop feeling. And the time for me to stop breathing.

In the last six months of my life, I tried to live ignoring the negatives of  my life. I told my family that nothing could be a better gift from God than to be a part of this family. I thanked all my friends for letting me know the meaning of friendship. I hugged the most important person in my life, my brother, and said that I am always proud of being his lovely sister. I bid a thankful goodbye to everyone I know, except him.

I couldn’t muster up the courage to say goodbye to the love of my life. Though I hadn’t told him yet that I loved him since the day I knew what love is. We remained friends in his eyes and so to everyone. And now, this very little secret of my love life will be carried to my grave along with me. I will be dead without being loved by the person I loved the most. And this is my only regret.

Happy You, Happy Me, Happy Blogging…!!!

A Dream Beyond Just Dreaming

Because I see you every night in my dreams. You dwell in every breath I take. Your essence is what forces me to go on, survive. You are long gone but you are still here somehow. I won’t let you leave, not until I’m pretended to return back to the world which you left behind. Right now we are on this bridge, half way from reality. Somewhere merge your universe and mine, the horizon where the sky associates with the ocean, drawing in the sapless sunlight, approaching dusk. Stay here admiring the skyline till darkness glides in and then once again we’ll meet in my dreams. A dream I would never want to wake up from.

After he came home

She couldn’t breathe,

Chocked on her own words.

Tears threatened to leave her eyes,

But she didn’t let them slip.

She constantly reminded herself of that “promise”,

The one she intended on keeping.

And even when he came home,

Wrapped up in the “TIRANGA”,

she didn’t cry,

Being the daughter of an army man was hard,

But she knew that her father hated seeing his little ‘princess’ cry.

Thank you…!!!

Happy You, Happy Me, Happy Blogging…!!!